the fabulous life of a queer femme in action
Since last autumn yours truly, the self-proclaimed Queen of the Sluts, has made out with 0 women*. Zero!! Catastrophe! It already started in the summer when I began to notice that I didn’t really check out people anymore, not to mention major failure in charming anyone (aka trying to get into their pants). First I blamed this on a lack of mojo. A drought in Coochieland, if you will. It’s been known to happen. Nothing strange about that. But as the months passed by and I didn’t even think about doing something as innocent and basic as kissing someone, I started to worry. Where did it all go? And, as so many times before, it were my publishers (who needs a therapist when you have a publisher?) who helped me dig out the brutal truth: it turns out that I am deadly afraid of being “the creepy old lady”. It’s super silly. It’s a product of an ageist, sexist environment and I should know better than that. But fears aren’t exactly famous for being logical. The issue I’m facing is that, as the years have gone by while I’ve been out partying like the Groovy Granny I am, the (age) gap between me and the (baby) butches has grown bigger and bigger, until I’ve realized that I could be their mother. How sexy. “Why don’t you just find women* your own age then, Miss Bourbon?” Well. I fucking would! If it weren’t for the fact that “they” are all busy going to bed early to be fit the next morning for lord knows what horrible healthy reasons. Besides, “those people” are as interested in decadent, boozing, punk femmes as I am in Sunday brunches: Not. At. All. Regarding the few brave ones left … well … how should I put it … let’s just say it’s a lesbian duck pond out there. The thing is, I can live with people thinking I’m loud, obnoxious and superficial, even though it’s not fair. But old and desperate? Hell no!
Denice knows that people hook up in other places than bars, like at work and in yoga studios. But since going out is basically her job and lifting a wine glass is the only exercise she practises, she will now brush herself off and try again. Reclaim her wrinkles and own them! Total Diva Style!