the fabulous life of a queer femme in action
I have a chronic disease; I am suffering from hard-core envy of cool people. The symptoms are belly-aches, shaking, panic and sudden attacks of crying heavily and feeling sorry for myself as soon as I think that somebody is much cooler than I could ever be. I get a strong compulsive need to grab whatever it is that the person in question possesses and run like hell, screaming, “it’s MINE now!! AAALL MINE!!” Luckily this never works out since the things I so desperately WANT are of a non-grabbable nature. So I start whining, which takes me onto the next level where I feel ashamed and hate myself for not DOING instead of COMPLAINING. And I should use all the potential that I have; but hey! Wait a minute; what if I actually suck?? What if it all turns out to be poop?? Ok. It’s better to not even try at all. At least I don’t have to live with the humilitation of public failure, and it’s safer to just fantasize about all the greatness that I really will achieve one day. And times goes by, and BOOM! One day I stand there at some public event and see all these talented people doing great stuff and I wantwantwantwant, face green and boiling with envy. Just the past month I have experienced severe pain from envy- ing the following people: girlsrockcamp-participants for being younger and better, creative queer people in Berlin in general, two friends leaving for a South America-trip that I’ve always wanted to go on, a friend publishing a really great book, the band Austra, ambitious and good looking 21-year old hipster queer-dykes who make my 20ies look like a commercial for XXXLutz, Beth Ditto, all the feminist artists who sit in the Fett & Zucker-café working on their new awesome projects, my sister for doing great political work and, finally, to put the icing on the self-pity-cake: Madonna’s daughter Lourdes. I “read” her blog and started crying because she HAS EVERYTHING and on top of it all lives in New York. That is when I did realize that I really have a problem.
Denice truly enjoys it when other people succeed and promises that she has no voodoo dolls. At least not that many.